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After posting my last blog I started thinking about common theist arguments and how most are quite easily dismissed by people who know and recognize them.  This got me to thinking that I don’t think I’ve seen them compiled before.  I’ll do my best to remedy that here.  This isn’t meant to be an all-inclusive list, numpties are coming up with new silly arguments daily.  I just want to list some of the most common that you will all run across and perhaps equip you with the tools to easily rebut them.  This way you won’t walk away and think, “oh man, I shoulda said __”  I’m going to include the claim, the long answer, and the snarky twitter answer.  All snarky twitter comments are mine unless otherwise credited.

“The bible/Quran/Torah/Book of Mormon says ______”

-Quite simply put, these and other “holy” books are not evidence for the existence of any god.  They are the claim.  If I am to accept a holy book as evidence then you must accept comic books as evidence that Superman exists.

Snarky twitter answer: “The bible is evidence that paper is flammable, not that gods exist.”

“You can’t prove my god doesn’t exist!”

-You’re right, I can’t, any more than you can prove that leprechauns and dragons don’t exist.  Atheism is simply not believing your god claim.  It isn’t making a claim that no gods can or ever existed.  It is just me saying I don’t believe you.

Snarky twitter answer: “You can’t prove I didn’t ride a pink unicorn to work this morning!”

“The universe/earth/humans were obviously intelligently designed.”

-If the universe or even the earth were intelligently designed for us, god’s favorite creature, then why is 99.999999999% of the universe uninhabitable?  Why is 2-thirds of the earth uninhabitable? Our sun gives us cancer and kills us, that’s intelligent?  We breathe and eat through the same hole thereby guaranteeing a percentage of us will die eating.  There is absolutely no shred of evidence that our bodies, our world, or our universe were created by any gods; intelligent or otherwise.

Snarky twitter answer: “Obviously some are more intelligent than others.”

“There are first hand accounts of miracles”

-Anecdotal at best.  Kind of funny how these miracles are almost never witnessed by multiple people, and can always be just as possible to naturally occur without any gods’ intervention.

Snarky twitter answer: This picture (no idea who made it originally, sorry):

Funny how miracles stopped when the camera was invented

Funny how miracles stopped when the camera was invented

“Without my god there would be no morality and people could just run around raping and killing!”

-Gods aren’t required for there to be morality.  Dr Richard Dawkins, in The God Delusion posits that morality and social norms are hard wired into us through evolution.  To put it as simply as I can, hunter/gatherers that worked together, had empathy, and treated other hunter/gatherers “morally” lived longer and therefore reproduced more, thereby passing on the trait to live morally.  Hunter/gatherers that “run around raping and killing” were punished by death or kicked out of the tribe, thereby reducing their chances to reproduce and pass on their anti-social genes.  So, morality is a social construct that requires empathy and ability to follow rules of society, not any gods.

Snarky twitter answer: “I rape and murder all I want to every day.  And that number is 0.” Penn Jillette

“Atheism is just a religion/requires more faith/worships Satan!”

-No, it isn’t.  There’s no dogma, no required meetings, no prayers, no deities, no membership fees/tithes, no required reading, no required anything.  Atheism is just not believing any gods exist.  And no, we don’t believe that Satan exists either…

Snarky twitter answer: “Don’t you find it ironic that you attempt to insult atheism by calling it a religion?”

“If I’m right I go to heaven and you go to hell but I don’t lose anything either way!”

-Ah, yes, good old Pascal’s Wager.  Despite how foolish it is, I see this one a lot.  There are several problems with it.  My biggest two: 1. If your god is truly all-knowing than how is it that you think your belief-just-case is going to fool him?  Surely he would know the difference between hedging your bets and true belief.  2. Pascal’s Wager does not provide any evidence.  It’s just a silly “what if” question designed to play on the fears of the followers.

Snarky twitter answer: “Your all knowing god can’t tell the difference between true belief and ‘just-in-case? What good is he?”

“If we are able to conceive of a god then a god must exist….”

-No, hell no, what kind of psuedo-logic cosmic fuckwankery is this?!  In my experience this kind of fake logic is only used by people that are either super dumb or fake and trolling.  Statements like this are usually best dealt with by utilizing the mock and block tactic.  Mock their idiocy, then just block them because nothing good will come from talking to them.  This person will make up or parrot any silly psycho babble in order to prolong an argument.

Snarky twitter response: “Did you steal that from @DeepakChopra? #ColonicConsciousness”  @francosoup

Anything ever said by @Joe Cienkowski

-Joe is a gold mine of lies and stupidity.  It’s really hard to tell if he actually believes the stupid shit he says or if he’s just a really good troll.  Regardless, this homophobic, hateful man is a shit stain on the underwear of life.  Feel free to just mock him and block him.  He will just lie no matter what you say or what evidence you present.  If you show evidence of evolution he’ll claim it’s a “jew or fag” agenda and tell you that you can’t trust books, they are liberal propaganda, only the bible can be trusted.  He’s a horrible human being.  RUN!

Snarky twitter answer: “hahaha! You do know that @JoeCienkowski is mentally ill, right? :)” @MrOzAtheist

Of course there are other arguments you’ll get from theists, but as I said, this is just a list of some of the most common that I encounter.  If you have any else that you feel need highlighting or that you don’t know how to answer, feel free to leave them in the comments and I’ll do my best to help you out.  The main point being that there are almost no original theistic arguments.  Once you know what one theist is going to say, you’ve got all of them pegged.  No matter what religion, they all use the same tired, un-evidenced arguments.  The only “original” arguments you’ll find are usually so far out in left field and devoid of merit that you can’t tell if they are serious, trolling, or quoting Joe Cienkowski, the divorced, felon, liar.

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